Saturday, May 24, 2014

From The Archives: HOA Shennanigans, and Why I'm Glad We Moved HERE...

Today, I humbly submit the following. A letter I wrote, but did not send, to our Homeowners Association in response to their complaint of our alleged handball activity back in 2008:

Dear Home Owners Association,

I have received your condescending letter addressing the discoloration of my garage door. You believe that I may have caused this damage. You are requesting that I discontinue any activity that may result in common area damage immediately.

Your specific request: My garage door needs to be cleaned - the ball marks need to be removed.
My husband is amused at your assessment. I however am amazed at your stupidity. If this letter is indicative of the Board's communal vapidity, then God help us all.

Had you looked closely, you would have noticed that in each instance of discoloration, the TEXTURE of the wood under the paint was inconsistent with the rest of the door, and not any type of residue on the surface. I will say that again in smaller words so you will be sure to comprehend: the dark spots you see on the door ARE KNOTS IN THE WOOD. Had you been paying any attention at all, you would have noticed identical patterns in all the garage doors on our building. This is not a result of damage inflicted by any homeowner, but of a natural irregularity showing through a horrible paint job. Clearly you were too distracted by your shiny clipboard to access what little common sense the good lord gave you. Honestly, do you really think that a 42 year-old and a 45 year-old are playing HANDBALL against the garage? Are you kidding me? If you are offended by the garage doors (all five of which my husband and neighbor hosed down recently, as a gesture of good will), then you need to have your worthless paint crew put down the crack pipe and DO IT RIGHT.

How dare you threaten me with fines and/or hearings when you clearly don't know your own backside from a hole in the ground.

You people are no more than a pathetic bunch of power-drunk control freaks and attention whores. You need to be stopped.

I am preserving a copy of your letter as testament to your brainlessness. I truly hope you have a day job that does not require any critical thought.

Now kindly kiss off, you arrogant twit.

Sincerely,
One of several who hope you disappear, the sooner the better