Monday, April 29, 2013

The Awesomeness Of Unemployment

Sometimes I love not having a job. I just hate not getting paid. I hate the perceived resentment of others on whom I must rely when I can’t support myself. I hate feeling that someone else needs to make sacrifices because of my inabilities.
Trying to find a job while stuck in this mindset is a challenge. And yet, it’s far less miserable than the sheer torture of a job that you truly hate. And I’ve had a lot of those. I’m grateful that I’m no longer waking up in a cold sweat every morning, praying for some severe physical malady to strike me just so that I won’t have to face another workday. Because a stroke would be so much more fun.
So today, (hyperbole warning), since there are CLEARLY no more jobs on the internet anywhere in the world (/hyperbole), I’ll bake some more bread and reflect on some of the well-meant but annoying advice I’ve received in the past.
“Don’t like your job? Find one you do like!” From someone with a wealthy spouse who supported her. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s so simple. I’ll just go out and pick one from the thousands of fun, rewarding, lucrative careers that are going unclaimed. I think I’ll just go to the “Ideal Job Rescue Shelter” and adopt a lonely, unwanted career that desperately needs a loving home.
If you don’t love what you’re doing, then you are in the wrong job.” I very nearly laughed out loud at this one. Because what I love doing is lying on the couch watching Castle reruns. Too bad that job was already taken. Anyone with a job is lucky to have it, whether they love it or not. We can’t all be astronauts and ballerinas. The world needs sewer workers and DMV clerks too. Don’t insult me by suggesting that if I don’t love being bullied, belittled, and humiliated in my current workplace that I’m wrong.
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten fired.” This wasn’t said out loud, but was certainly implied.
“You can sew – you should sew clothes for ladies” A charming, but outdated notion, as nobody really employs seamstresses anymore. And I certainly can’t compete with the industrial revolution. I could make the same blouse in eight hours that Target sells for ten dollars. I did the math, and it wasn’t pretty. I do have an Etsy site. If I could make and sell 25 hats a day without my fingers rotting off I could make a nice living.
Luckily for all of us, that’s all I can think up at the moment.
So instead of advice, what assistance can one provide to a job-hunter like myself?  I submit the following: pray. I could certainly use all the help I can get. And not because God isn’t listening to me. Or better yet, hiding under his desk, hissing at his secretary, “Tell her I’m not here! Tell her I’m in a meeting. Tell her I’m golfing!” Wouldn’t that be awesome. I'd like to see pictures of that.


  1. I love you! It's b*tch out there.. don't envy you! I wish there was something I could do to help.. instead, I could send you a carrot cauliflower soup recipe we're having tonight.....

    I don't have any clichés... just a shoulder and an offer to go run around and do errands off one of these days.....

  2. I just fucking love you. (Yes, so much that I was compelled to drop a big fat F bomb in a potentially improper venue.)

  3. "...And not because God isn’t listening to me. Or better yet, hiding under his desk, hissing at his secretary, “Tell her I’m not here! Tell her I’m in a meeting. Tell her I’m golfing!” Wouldn’t that be awesome. I want to see pictures of that."

    We can make this happen. Oh yes we can...

  4. Ditto. Big fat greasy slobbering dittos. I've been in and out of jobs my whole life. I work, I work hard, I'm told my work is superior to everyone else's, and yet I am FREQUENTLY unemployed. I don't quit, I don't get fired, jobs just dry up. Right now, my job has dried up. There just isn't any work. My job is fixing things, and apparently, I've fixed EVERYTHING so well that nothing is breaking anymore, so because I did such a wonderful job, I now get to starve. This isn't the first time, it happens with every job I get. And no-one wants to hire me because I don't stay at any one job longer than a year or two. Just shoot me.